Yesterday I was over-medicated, pierced, sprayed, squished & shoved through a gigantic whirring doughnut & told to hold my breath, all whilst being without a bra in public for the first time in longer than I can remember. CT angiograms are such fun. And after all that the results weren’t conclusive, so I may get to do it all again. Yay.
To be fair I didn’t really mind. (Well, except for the no-bra thing!) I’ll happily do whatever I need to to get well, but sometimes the poking & prodding does leave a bit of a nasty taste. (In this case literally; those angina sprays that go under the tongue? Taste like shit!)
I still feel a bit alone in all this to be honest. During a small tiff last week Mr W. casually threw out a “well you don’t really need me at the hospital do you?”, and I was forced to admit (through gritted teeth; stubborn, moi?) that actually, yes I do. Apart from the physical act of walking the long ass route to the clinic, I need emotional support, more than I actually realised until that point. Until then it had been a given that he come with me. Since then I’ve been trying to think of ways that he didn’t have to. Ever been forced to ask for help from someone you’re angry with? Sucks isn’t the word, and I really don’t want to leave myself open to that again. Not that we argue very often, in fact considering our health issues & how long we spend together our spats are incredibly few & far between, but the idea that I’ve now become reliant on another person to be able to do something doesn’t sit well.
The forced dependence heightens the feeling of battling alone somehow. People are there, with me, hearing my results, asking how I am, being involved in decision making on some levels. But it’s still my heart, if something goes wrong it’s me it affects. Is that selfish?
It’s currently 1:36am, and for various reasons I cant sleep. So of course my brain is churning all the stuff I’m unhappy with, all my cringy moments, and stuff I need to do, whilst simultaneously planning the packing for France in 2 weeks. Maybe it’d be an idea to shut the pc off…..