I was discharged today. I’m still ill, my heart still doesn’t work, but it’s working as well as it can. My results on the meds are good, I’m winning. So why am I so goddam terrified? I feel like my safety net has been whipped out from underneath me.
For 87 days the regular visits to the Shine clinic have been there, telling me I’m ok, telling me the meds were working. Now it’s down to me, to be vigilant, to know how I’m feeling & how well my heart is working. How am I supposed to do that? Monitoring my weight (which has stubbornly decided to stand still) and how big my ankles are doesn’t quite seem enough after all the bloods & machines & nurses.
Ultimately I know its a good thing. Of course it is. The clinic is for the acutely ill, and I’m not any more. Time to pull on those positive pants I guess. Though if this experience has taught me anything it’s that sometimes I need to give myself a break, so maybe I’ll go commando for a little while yet.