5/8/16 -Day 1 – I have heart failure.

5/8/16

Day 1

184.7kg

I have heart failure. Still feels like a nonsense statement if I’m honest. My heart is failing to do its job. In hospital everything changed, but coming home, nothing has. The same furniture, the same house, same family. Different me I guess. I don’t really know what it means to live with heart failure, the hospital doesn’t count, it was kind of like being in limbo. Walking back into my old life feels wrong. Something should be different surely? Sitting here it almost feels like it could all have been just a bad dream.

H told me today she didn’t know how much she needed me until I wasn’t there, and she feels bad because she took me for granted. Didn’t expect that. She’s still being a lazy arse though.

I’m meant to be writing what I feel, as well as how my health is etc. I feel scared. I feel angry. I feel grateful. I feel too much. I want to not feel so much. I’m not sure how to explain how I’m feeling to Mr W. I feel like I need to put on a brave face.

Health is better than it has been in months. The tiredness has lessened, I can breathe properly again. But fuck me my bones hurt.

I wish I could stop crying. And pissing!

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